Author archives: Jeff Gurner

Hello, I'm Johnny Cash...The Postage Stamp

At last, that bloated, bureaucratic behemoth - the US Postal Service - has done something to cast a small light of clear-headed decision making upon the shadow of their massive $9.2 billion deficit. In a rare moment of lucidity, the braintrust at the USPS rightfully singled out the legendary Man in Black to be included as part of the limited “Music Icons” series which will be announced later this year. […]

Porn King Ron Jeremy in Heart Scare

Legendary porn actor, Ron Jeremy, was decidedly not seeing his doctor about an erection lasting longer than four hours. The “Hedgehog” was admitted to Cedars-Sinai hospital after doctors discovered an aneurysm near his heart, and he is currently listed in critical condition. He is expected to remain under observation in the hospital for two weeks to see how he responds to surgery. No word when doctors expect he may be […]

Date Set for Uncle Obama's Deportation Hearing

After his drunken driving arrest in 2011, the world was introduced to President Obama’s beleaguered, 68-year old uncle, Onyango Obama, who has lived in the United States illegally since his teens. His official deportation hearing date was announced yesterday, and Mr. Obama’s lawyer, Scott Bratton, has high hopes his client will be allowed to remain in the country. “Everybody wants to stay in America,” he said at a press conference. […]

American Idol may be Sued Amid Accusations of Racism

  Nine black men who were contestants on American Idol are seeking permission from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to sue the mega-hit talent show amid allegations of racism. Their attorney, James H. Freeman, claims Idol broke California state employment statutes which prohibit employers from questioning potential employees about any history of arrest, stating that “Their personal and professional lives remain permanently and severely impaired.” Freeman suggests that the Idol […]

JJ Abrams Tapped to Direct the First Installment of the New Star Wars Trilogy

Lost creator, J.J. Abrams, saved the Star Trek franchise with his electric reboot in ’09, so he may well be the one man who can erase the vile memory of Star Wars: Episodes 1-3 from our collective consciousness. The Walt Disney Company bought Lucasfilm in the Fall for 4 billion dollars, and so far they’re getting their money’s worth by making the unquestionably geek-approved move of hiring Abrams to direct […]

Twitter Names New King as @JustinBieber Knocks Off @LadyGaga

Well, it’s happened. In an astounding feat of tenacity, grit and downright superior artistry, young Justin Bieber has officially tossed aside the inimitable Lady Gaga as Twitter’s most followed entity. Through a masterful repertoire of pop magic and sheer vocal-gymnastic determination, the pint-sized warbler has out-gunned Gaga’s most recent assault bra, and left her nearly ten thousand followers shy of the Twitter throne. While Gaga was busy entertaining the Obama […]