Maybe you were one of the seven people worldwide who didn’t watch the Discovery Channel last night. If so, let me summarize what happened: Daredevil Nik Wallenda of the famous Flying Wallenda clan, walked 1,400 feet across a massive gulch 1,500 feet in the air on a 2 inch wire without a harness.

Yes, it’s pretty cool, but it left me confused on several points (aside from the obvious question of why one would choose to do such an insane thing.) Here are the top 5 things I don’t understand about this stunt:

1. WHY ON EARTH IS HE WEARING JEANS? I mean, I know that there probably isn’t official Nike gear specifically engineered to tightrope walking endeavors, but it seems like there must be something more appropriate than the same pants you wear on casual Fridays at the office.

2. Why did his dad have to chirp in his ear the whole time he was walking? Has parental scrutiny ever made any endeavor easier?

3. Wallenda mentioned Jesus or God 102 times during his 22 minute stroll. That’s an average of 4.6 times per minute, or every 12.9 seconds. I suppose that the significant potential to fall off the dental floss that separates you from plunging into a vast chasm and meeting your maker would incentivize anyone to solidify their divine relationship.

4. Was I the only one who was surprised at Wallenda’s physical appearance? When I heard about the stunt, I expected some tall, lithe, heartthrob — not some guy with a beer belly and a receding hairline who looks like he hangs out at a bowling alley.

5. I felt really ripped off when I found out that what was billed as “Nik Wallenda Walks a Tightrope over the Grand Canyon” wasn’t actually across the Grand Canyon, but across a neighboring gorge called Little Colorado River Navajo Tribal Park. Not that it makes the stunt less death-defying or anything, but I really feel like I was duped based on the emotional connection Americans have to the Grand Canyon. I guess “Nik Wallenda Walks a Tightrope over a Slightly Less Sentimental Hole in the Ground” just didn’t have that advertising oomph they were looking for.