Los Angeles, in its best impression of the John Favreau character from Swingers, has started to creep us all out with its desperate attempt to keep Dwight Howard a Laker. They’ve plastered a billboard on the Staples Center all but begging him to not break up with them:

They launched a mock-up image of the iconic Beverly Hills Hotel dressed up as its favorite soon-to-be-ex:

Even the city’s most famous Laker fan has contributed to the slobbering, one-sided love-affair:

According to @jadande, Dwight Howard has already spoken on the phone with Jack Nicholson about remaining with the Lakers

— Dave McMenamin (@mcten) July 1, 2013

But guess what. Los Angeles? No matter how money you may be (“Baby look at me, look at me. You’re money, and you know what else? You’re a big winner tonight.”), Dwight just doesn’t like you in that way. Oh yeah — and also, Dallas is offering him free chicken fingers for life:

Hey @DwightHoward - Our DFW restaurants are offering FREE CHICKEN FINGERS FOR LIFE. #CANES4DWIGHThttp://t.co/nxQTklWaKD

— Raising Cane’s® (@Raising_Canes) June 30, 2013

Sorry — their billboard smells better than your billboard. And there’s no state income tax. Besides, Los Angeles:

You’re so money, and you don’t even know how money you are. Let it go, L.A. Let it go…